My mind (body?) was playing tricks on me

Today, I went to a clinic to have a pregnancy test to provide proof of pregnancy for Medicaid and to schedule an ultrasound.  They had an opening for the ultrasound at 2 pm today, so I took it.  What I found out resulting from that ultrasound kind of turned my world upside down.

I conceived this baby (embryo?) a mere 3.5 weeks ago.  That puts it at a gestational age of 5.5 weeks – smaller than a grain of rice.  It is even still attached to a yolk sac and had no discernible heart beat.

This information makes me feel like I’m back at square one.  This has me reconsidering abortion.  Abortion makes sense, financially.  It is far cheaper than raising a child.  I have no money of my own right now, and I don’t see any future abundance of money, either.  Abortion makes sense, emotionally.  I don’t believe I am emotionally capable of raising both a newborn baby and a 23 month old toddler at once.  I don’t think my toddler would be ready by that age, either.

However, in the past week or so, I have become emotionally attached to the pregnancy, and just kind of hoped everything would work itself out.  I became excited about having a “do over” of my first birth experience.  I began preparing, scheduling, psyching myself up for it.  It is hard to let that go.

My emotional brain says “Let’s do it!  It will be okay, and everything will fall into place.” while my rational brain says “No.  That’s a terrible idea – too much work, not enough money, patience, time, resources, and readiness.”  It’s hard to come to term with these conflicting feelings and make sense of everything.

I have some serious thinking to do over the next couple of days.

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